i don’t believe in angels. or god. but I believe that some people leave a piece of themselves with you forever. and when they go that piece stays with you. the world lost an incredibly loving person on sunday morning. i have never loved anyone quite like i loved her. i think that most anyone who knew her would agree. we had lost touch over the years and i regret more than ever not reaching back out.
i don’t believe in another life but the ache and disbelief i feel today would fool me into believing anything.
its been years. can you believe how fast time flies? we’re adults. 13 years ago. thats how long its been since we met. remember? at the bus stop. you were wearing those pink pumas. or was it DCs? you looked like such a badass. i was kind of scared of you at first. but i was scared of everything before i met you. but i think you know that. i forget the first day we hung out… didn’t we go to your house. I met your mom and dad that day. i think. i bet they thought i was weird at first. i don’t think we spent more than one day apart after that. you were so loud. always laughing about something. oh man. we would sit and laugh for hours…. about nothing. you were always the popular one. so many goddamn friends. its funny how everyone thought i was your little sister. they actually bought it. i was always with you. everywhere. god i was so goofy and awkward and you still loved me. you were pretty goofy too. remember that one day when we ate 9 boxes of macaroni and cheese that your mom left you while they were out of town? and then we were still hungry afterwards. it was love. i loved you so fucking much. remember all the trouble we got into? you were always so brave. i loved how mischievous you were. i loved spending time with your family. when anna came to town wed get so giddy. what about that time we accidentally flooded the kitchen with bubbles!? and thanksgiving! remember our training routine? no jeans allowed. and the mattress right outside the sliding door so we can plump from the dining chairs onto the mattress? all your idea. i think. brilliant. i loved helping you move to your new home in kentucky. i remember how happy you were. i thought for sure id always be your little sister. i even visited you again… maybe a year after that? i dont remember now. we got our first tattoos together. your lips are still there. so is your heart. im sorry we lost touch. i really am. really. i was so lucky to have known you. to have had you in my life. i would be someone totally different had you never moved 5 houses down from me. i would probably still be afraid of everything. the courage i fill my life with. its there because of you.
i still dont think i grasp that you’re gone. you cant be gone. i sent you a postcard a couple weeks ago. i wonder if you ever got it. I’m sorry i didnt call.
i wish i had more pictures of you. of us. on my computer… theyre all at home in my photo albums. i wish i could flip through them.